Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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