Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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