everyone is single if you try hard enough
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
