So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
