cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
