Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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