I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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