that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
