every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
