I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
