So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
