I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
