Farmville is her only friend.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
