ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
