Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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