I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
