you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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