Umm I'm too high to move.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
