I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
