Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
