Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
