i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
