After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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