what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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