I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
