oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
