Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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