Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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