WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
