You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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