I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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