I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
