If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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