so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
