I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
