After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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