Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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