Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
