Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
