You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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