I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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