Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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