Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Someone came in the potted fern
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
