Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
