Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
