Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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