Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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