I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
