there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
