You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.