The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina