why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
