you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
