My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
