I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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