if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
