I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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