I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
