dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
